Thoughts from your local...

Made to Love.

2007-08-01T11:18:18Z

It's the early morning, just before sunrise and all I can think of is lost Love's surprises on this generation. The one that's staring me straight in the face with hearts full of ache and eyes straining for a hope they think they don't deserve, but that they've earned without knowing it. That's when I remember this:

He's got so many surprises. Some are so uniquely small we learn them once and forget their deep importance. Some are so amazingly obvious, we overlook them. Only when a miracle happens do we stop and thank Him. What's worse, we blame Him faster than if we turn on a flashlight if something devastating happens. We don't use that flashlight when we feel like we're in the light, but as soon as the darkness wraps itself around our vulnerabilities, we search for that lightsource. Why not just stay in that lightsource all the time. It's an amazingly simple concept, that I even forget it from time to time.

We claim to be a Jesus-lovin' crew, but we forget His beloved as soon as we leave the pew. We don't act right; playin' with sex and drugs, all night. Yet Sunday comes and comes and comes again. So we can act for the congregation, complete with a few amens. If we're really going to make a change, we've gotta lay the sins on His table. Gotta let Him heal us until we're able. Temptation is a horrible reality, but what is compared to the All Mighty? Oh my my, oh heck yes, we're Heaven bound, I won't let this generation settle for second best.

Tell me girl, what's more satisfying? Laying in your bed, legs spread wide, with your pride long since lost, just because society told you that it was the only road to acceptance? Or knowing that the Father loves you, His precious daughter, and sent His Son down to release you to Him?

Tell me addict, what's more addicting? That needle in your vein, that has now scarred your arm so greatly you can no longer wear a short sleeve t-shirt without feeling shame? Or knowing there's a permanent high within a beautiful place called Heaven, his name coincidentally being Most High?

Tell me hypocrite, what's more satisfying? Living out a falsified life in which you've created on a stage that's so messed up you've even lied to yourself? Or knowing that as soon as you truly follow the pathway built for you things all of a sudden will work themselves out?

I'm guilty of sin, we all are. I won't let myself be guilty of standing around and doing nothing anymore. I'm done going along with saying 'things will be fine'. Because they will never be fine if they don't know they need to be fixed. So I'll break people, I'll break them so hard they won't know how to pick themselves up. They'll hate me, but I won't care. Then I'll send them to God through Jesus. Then they'll wake up, realize, there is light on the otherside of the wall they've built between them and Love.

Now, I need to learn the art of breaking. Now, I need to be broken in a few aspects of life. Now is the time to start that revolution.

It's been awhile, but I keep coming back...

2007-06-20T16:35:05Z

So, it's been absolutely forever since I've been around, but I think I'm back. I've got like five or six other blogs around this internet, but this one calls me back all the time and I have no idea why.

Just wanted to let you all know that I am alive, and very well. :)

Things are blissful in this part of my world.

Leaving Nineteen...

2007-05-14T07:57:03Z

So. Here I sit. 12:33 in the morning. Ten days away from turning 20. That's huge. I will have lived 2 full decades on this planet. I am so blessed to have seen so much of this earth. Other than Washington, I've been to 22 states, as well as our nations capital. I have also been blessed to see the following countries. Canada, Holland, Austria, Germany, Switzerland, France, and Italy. I hope to see many more new and exciting places in my life. It's strange, even though it's totally common and realistic to make it the age of twenty, there were times that I never imagined making it this far. My life as of now is essentially perfect. I have a family that loves me, have friends who love me, have the job of my dreams, I am God's child, I have found a home church, I am starting on the long journey of fulfilling God's will for me, and I am so full of joy.

I'm leaving nineteen with a new outlook, and I'm heading into my adult life. I am beyond ready. Take this jump with me! Let's celebrate.

A secret look at happiness...

2007-02-03T21:03:48Z

So here I am firmly into the year 2007. It's already been the most changing year of my life. Some of these changes have not come easily and there have been times when i've wanted to give up. I won't lie about that. But with the guidance of my four best friends Rachel, Chris, and Jorge, and Sarah Hoye I have done it. And will continue through these changes. God is amazing, his love is unchanging. I love him, eternally. My God He is amazing, His love for me, His understanding, and His greatness are unchanging. So, I say to Satan, bring it on. Because there's no getting through me. To God's challenges, I say, bring them, I want to embrace them. To my heart, be still, and know. To my friends, I got your back, like you have mine.

Just as Christ, quiet understanding, everlasting strength. My new motto. Dig in.

The Beauty of the Reality of God

2007-01-07T23:10:05Z

"Past, the point of no return, no backward glances. Our games of make-believe are at an end."
-Point of No Return, Phantom of the Opera, Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Kind of a turning point in my God-searching has happened and it all is summed up in these two lines of music. It's amazing how powerful a litle wording goes to the very depths of my soul. I am absolutely certain God has a beautiful plan for me, for the first time in, well, ever. Things are happening at a rapid pace. I'm just fine with that too. Life has definitely been hurtled into another time frame. Things are going so quickly, yet things are barely moving, and it's rather confusing. Let's just say, I've met a new friend, and from that day on my life was intensely changed. I love this new friend, for not only am I going to be able to guide him, I will learn equally from him. In all honesty, I already have. I am ready to see where God is moving me. I am excited to see where he will move Rachel, Sarah, and Chris, the new friend.

The smell of what appears to be a new beginning

2007-01-02T11:43:14Z

it's a new year, and with that brings about many new fears... haha... rhymes are crimes...

anywho, i'm stepping out and doing great things this year for humanity.. wish me luck.

Be Known

2006-10-17T17:03:13Z

There’s an illusion around both you and I
That what’s going on all around us is right
I know I’ve been masked by the romance
And those careless midnight dances

How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
That when we danced, we were never alone.

We traced our palms, our hands perfectly aligned
But when I went for your heart, you denied
When we danced, your soul sought more
Than anything I was willing to share on that darkened dance floor

How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did i?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
That when we danced, we danced for the end.

The music comes and goes, the night crescendos to an end
The visions that poured before, trickle quietly out of my head
Sparks fading, desires cascading

I’ve got to go, you know we both know.
We’ve got to run, you know we both can.
We touch, just one more time,
Tracing palms, holding chins, kissing hearts

How are you?
Are you okay?
I didn’t make you fall too hard, did I?
Did I cut the line too soon?
Just let this be known,
I didn’t know how to dance, before I met you.

What happens when...

2006-08-30T02:37:57Z

All of a sudden your number 2 best friend all of a sudden won't even talk to you?

Jorge, I'm upset, I've cried about it. I'd like answers.

I don't even know what I did. yet, the boy won't even so much as respond to anything. I've called, I've texted, I've myspace'd, I've now livejournal'd...

JORGE what is wrong? WHAT did I do?

Seeing things, from a passengers point of view.

2006-08-23T00:25:40Z

So, this coming tuesday, I embark on a great and glorious journey. Not only to test my independence and common sense, but to spend an entire week with my best friend. It's awesome. We'll be in the Sacramento/San Francisco area for the week.

Seeing things, from the passenger seat. She's graciously offered to drive. Thankfully, my car, may not have been able to make that journey. I am excited to really be out on my own for the first time. To get to see and meet her extended family and some of her past. I'm not sure if many of you realize that when someone lets you into their life like that, it means something. It means trust. Quite frankly, I feel very lucky. And I can't wait to spend quality time with her. A lot of quality time. A lot of UNO games in the dead of night, a lot of cups of coffee, a lot of laughter.

I need this vacation. I need it to center my life, right before I step into college again. Maybe it'll bring out the great in me instead of just the good. So maybe, just maybe I can get the job. The job which I need quite alot.

So, here I'm going, off to take in the beautiful northwestern, and northern california scenery. In the passenger seat. I'm ready to learn.

The Beauty of Simplicity

2006-08-04T21:16:07Z

"The beauty of simplicity, has brought to my knees".

I had the absolute best time last night. Me and my friend Sarah had an amazing time. She helped me discover this amazing little coffee shop. We played cards, talked, and laughed over coffee. She's my most amazing friend. I never thought it'd be possible to have a best friend. But I think I do. And I think it's her. She's amazing. Like seriously. She's sweet, she's kind, and she took me as what I was. We have a lot of fun times together.

I enjoy the moments of silence with her. Because we're always in tune, no matter how much we say or don't.

I feel really blessed to have her in my life. I really am.

Not Authorized

2006-08-01T04:47:46Z

Not Authorized: That's what the register at the grocery store told me today. It was frivolous purchases. I'm thankful I got declined. It's already taught me to spend on more necessary goods in life. Nonetheless, it was a huge embarrasment. One that I'm glad I went through.

Reality Check: I need a job. I need my own income. I need it, and I need it now.

Solution: Tomorrow, I'm going out in search of that very job.

Job = Freedom. Soon, I will be free.

Captivation:

2006-07-29T05:10:00Z

Like a sunset, deep in colors orange and red.

I am captivated. Captivated by the dawn's early light, and by the streaks of brilliant gold and pink in the sky.

Tonight's sunset was a gift from God. Well, they all are, but this one was beyond perfect. It was refreshing and relaxing.

Thank you God.

Answers.

2006-07-26T06:20:18Z

So there's this huge music festival starting tomorrow. It's called CreationFest. There's two of them. CreationFest West, CreationFest East. Creation East, well that's a long way away. CreationFest West, is literally an hour and halfs drive from my house at the very, very most. I really, really, really wanted to go. Sadly, I will not be attending. Several of my friends are, but I am not. I was so upset that I hadn't been able to. But then, I come across this beautiful opportunity. While Creation would be an amazingly meaningful experience, this new opportunity will be interactive, and just breath-taking. It's a 3 day summit for Christian Musicians. Some of the industry's best are coming to Overlake Christian Church, to help people, much like me, find, or fine-tune their music. There's vocal sessions, guitar sessions, songwriting sessions, and leadership lessons and amazing worship performances. The cool thing is, it's right down the street from me practically. It's something that will stay with me forever. I'm so excited to shake hands, and learn from industry heads. By the grace of God, I will be there.

Living Life By Cliche

2006-07-24T04:01:31Z

I'm done living my life by Cliche.

In the church, in my relationships, in my life.

Done.

Cliche is defined as this

Cliche'- a trite or obvious remark; a stereotype.

I'm done.

Paris Underground: The lines into my heart.

2006-07-19T19:39:08Z

Paris is knocking on my heart...and will dare to answer it?

So many questions, not enough answers....

I'm ready to know my destiny.

Here I am...

2006-06-21T21:32:45Z

In the New Jersey airport in Newark. Hmmm. All is well. It's much busier than Sea-Tac. It's kinda awesome. I love to people watch. People watching is such a fun little thing. I take a look into their eyes and see... a little part of their lives. It's fun. I'm about to board so I've gotta go. I<3You all terrible.

Love...

2006-06-17T00:06:03Z

There's a right and a wrong way to love. And the wrong way feels so good sometimes it feels right. The right way can feel a little wrong too. I need answers. But I have to confess and ask questions to get those answers. I guess I'll stay in my daze until death. I just can't confess and ask. I just, can't.

Dear __________,

2006-06-06T05:07:24Z

Dear __________,

As I sit here, your name resounds throughout my very core. I can still feel your sweet touch on my skin. I say your name out loud and my pulse quickens. I think of the nights we spent, wrapped up in one another. Beautiful, each and every one of them. To the last drop of coffee, to the littlest of crumbs, I remember your breath, hot upon my neck. It drove me wild. I drove you wild. We played in the rain, and when I got cold you took me inside and wrapped me up and prepared some tea. When you got stressed, I'd massage your back, and you could no longer focus on the task at hand. Such distant memories these all are. Yet it's been only weeks since we parted ways. And while I tell people that I'm glad it's over, I'm really not. I know you're not either, though that's the story you spin as well. You mean so much to me, you mean everything to me. I am over you, however. I'm thankful I'm over you. I love you so much it hurts sometimes. Litterally, I do get weak in my stomach and high in my head. You mean everything. Those memories will always be with me. They will remain as vivid as the day they happened. But, we can't be fighting the obvious anymore. It's never going to work, no matter how hard we try. Please, look back on it as I do. Avoid negativity. I don't have any regrets about it, you shouldn't either. I love you. More than my words will ever be able to express. I just don't understand how your heart can hold so much scorn and so much hate. When your voicemails turned from love to anger. I'm sorry I'm not returning them. I want to badly, but it will only bring back the old feelings. As soon as I hear your voice real-time again. I love you. I hope you'll one day understand that what went down, went down as soon as you went back home. Leaving me, all alone. That day at the airport was the most emotional day of my life, minus the day my grandfather died. As we held eachother in the terminal, you promised me you'd come back, you promised me that your love for me wouldn't ever change, and you promised me that I was the one you wanted to marry. It hurts, you broke those promises. Like twigs, you snapped them in two. My heart went along with those twigs. I have forgiven you, but I will never let my heart make the same mistake again. I remember the tears we cried that day, as clear as the rain I felt upon my cheeks just yesterday. I remember the kiss. It was electrifying. And while you clearly regret your actions, and I clearly wish I could change some of mine, we've got to face it head on. What's done is done. This is God's will. You helped me find what I will look for in a husband. You are strong hearted, filled with God's glory, beautifully intelligent, and funny. The best part? You called me yours, and I called you mine. And it was beautiful. I don't even regret the day you confessed your sin. Your honesty, is a real quality. You did that because I needed to know. And now that I do, I know that I can never get back together with you, as much as I'd like to. I'd be somewhat a fool. I love you. And I don't think you'll ever really get that. But you hurt me in a way that I never knew I could be hurt. I promise one day I will get back in touch with you. And that is a promise I will not break. Because I want my friend back. The one who would play his guitar for me, the one who would sing me to sleep, the one who would be there for me, the one who was incredible. I want that friend back. I love you, never forget that.

<3, Amanda

the letter L

2006-05-29T04:53:09Z

1) Loyalty- what I as well as everyone else should strive for in friendship.
2) Luck- I've been having a lot of this lately.
3) Love- I'm in rut, but you know, it's just fine. I'm waiting for the him to seek me before I seek him.
4) Literacy- I think it's very important and recently I've been getting more active in that community.
5) Lust- Can't help it, but there's three guys in my life that everytime I see them, I can't help but drop to my knees in my head.
6) Life- It's going amazingly well. I love it.
7) Litre- That's how much water I drank today.
8) Leprechaun- The character/logo on my favorite breakfast cereal. LUCKY CHARMS.
9) Luscious- Is the only word to describe Godiva chocolates.
10) Lips- They're very fun to kiss.

Interesting. That was fun.

It's an essay of the past

2006-05-01T17:37:26Z

Amanda M. Porter
English 101 3:00
January 23, 2006

Who I Am and Where I Want to Go

There was this little girl. Her hair the blondest of blonde shining in the ray of light cast by the window above. Today was a very important day for this little girl. She looked cautiously around her surroundings, taking in the smell, and the feel of the carpet on her toes. What she did not know was where she was, or really why she was there. Then came the time, she was handed a little carrier filled with the petals of the finest of roses, and the music started to play vibrantly. Her eyes glistened the purest of innocent joy because she knew she was important on this day. She was walking down the aisle of a church to spread flowers playfully on the ground before her, and who was soon to be a married couple. She is in a church with tall ceilings. This church fascinated her. The way the people smiled while inside, made her smile inside. Since that day when she was the flower girl in her uncle’s wedding, she has known she was meant for the church. The calling of the church was not it’s exterior beauty that pulled her closer, it was the warm and friendly people on the inside. Who is this little girl you ask? Well, my friend, the answer is I. I am that girl who has fallen madly in love with the church. My goal in life is to be the best of followers to my Methodist Christian views on life.

As a child I was not very familiar in religion. I grew up in a drastically more liberal environment. Church was not a high priority on our list. We did however make it to one or two sundays each month until I turned about three. Unfortunately, I do not recall those early church days. Then the first real memory of a church came on that day in the summertime. I knew from then on that my life was somehow to be tied into the church. I eventually made it to the age of thirteen. That year is a monumental year on it’s own. It’s where a child leaves childhood and embarks on the magnificent journey of growing into their own unique person. Needless to say, I turned out more unique than most. I started to develop my own rationalizations and before I knew it I was celebrating my sweet sixteen. The next chapter in a quickly fleeting teenage life. Where we are given a freedom, that freedom being formed by a roadway painted with lines of yellow and white, and a vehicle to drive that road on. I was one of the lucky ones. A car had been given to me, a license firmly in my hand. My first drive alone was to get bread. The radio was blaring one of my favorite songs. The lyrics went as such, “Your body’s the Bread, Your blood is the Wine, because You traded Your life for mine.” I was going to get bread, and it dawned on me like a sunset of the purest golds and pinks. He was calling me to His house. He decided that that day was the day He thought I was ready. Ready for a journey that swept me off my feet on more than one occasion. So I started my exploration into a world so new that following Sunday. I attended church with my best friend and long time Christian at the local Methodist church. I was floored from that moment on. I knew that the church was for me, made for me, built for me, and chosen for me. The years passed and before I knew it I was turning eighteen and graduating in less than three weeks after that. I had stood the test of time in school. I had successfully auditioned a chance to speak at graduation. I have a fear of public speaking so this was going to be a huge deal for me. Walking up to that podium on June 10, 2005 my palms were sweaty and my heart was racing. Silently I raised my hand and lifted my index finger up and whispered the words “Thank You, and I love You” to my Father in heaven. My heart instantly slowed, my palms were dry as desert sand and my speech went flawlessly. I know He’s there watching me, and my eye is always on Him. My church gave me my foundation through my life, and I could never replace it no matter how hard I try.

Here I am, looking back on where I was. I now ponder the future. Where I want to go, who I want to be, and how I should get there. To be honest, I’m not sure of my specific destiny in the church yet, however, I do know that’s where my life will end. Being firmly rooted in a church where the congregation knows my name and knows my cookies by the slightly crunchier edges than the rest at a bake sale. I hope to work with kids in an elementary-aged ministry. Teaching them, playing with them, engaging them in a world of God and all the great things that go with it. Aside from the church and music, children are my passion. I think it’s because they are our future, and I want to make sure that the ones I make contact with live in knowing that there’s always someone watching them, or if nothing else, I want them to leave learning something new. There are so many ways to get to the prize, my path is just not clear yet, that’s all. Just like the rest of my spiritual walk, He will give me the green light when He thinks that I can handle the next part in life. I have already started my major. I am working toward a degree in Education. For the time being I desire to teach a high school band. That is a lot of my history and sharing that with open and learning individuals would be amazing. I’m just waiting for God to give me the signal to move forward with my ambition.

That little girl, she invades my memory. She draws me in with the subtlety of immaturity and the desire to be something more. As she flung the last handful of roses on the white carpet underneath her feet she sees the contrast the bright red petals make against it. She looks back at her mother, smiles, and turns back around. Her mom was the sparrow to her at the time. Now her eyes are firmly on the real sparrow. This little girl has grown, her blonde hair now a light brown, her eyes much more learned and aware. I can’t believe that little girl was me. I can’t believe I’m already living my dream, and well on my way to achieving my goal. More importantly, I know that I’ll end up where I want to as long as I keep my eyes looking upwards towards the heavenly skies.

The way it is.

2006-04-17T18:08:46Z

April 17th, 2006

Yesterday was a grand celebration. A celebration of Jesus Christ. Rising from his tomb. Three days, after he was hung upon the cross. He is risen. So, in a celebration, called Easter. We celebrate him.

What did I do? I completely neglected the church. Completely neglected the religion. Completely neglected my God and Savior. Completely neglected my Jesus. Because my family needed me. I know that God forgives me, but I can’t help feeling anything but guilty. So guilty.

You see, my grandfather is in the hospital. He got a hip replacement last Monday. That went perfectly. We couldn’t have asked for a better surgery actually. But he started to develop this weird rash or infection on his legs. So just quickly as he was moved from the hospital to the rehabilitation center, he was moved back to the hospital. This happened on Thursday. The hospital is still where he is at. Thankfully, the rash or infection has stopped spreading. Even more thankfully, we think it’s finally decreasing in size.

Anyways, the reason I couldn’t go to church was because my grandmother needed company. She’s not exactly the type that takes this kinda thing well. She just likes normalcy, and since her husband isn’t there in the house, it’s completely opposite for normal. So I spent the day with the family whom I just completely cherish. It really sucks that a hip replacement had to bring us together, but maybe this is our family’s wake-up call. I hope it is, because we’ve had some pretty tense moments lately and they still continue. Hopefully the family will begin to reach to the Lord in heaven. I think a little religion would do so much for this family. So much.

The sun is shining for the time being. It’s beautiful outside. Like I want to take a picture and hang it upon my wall.

I love the Lord, and I love the Son. They both ease my fears, and calm my nerves. Which is hard for anything in the world to do. The only person of this earth who can is George H. . Jorge as I call him. He’s the only one who can talk me out of cutting myself, or drinking, or anything along those lines. And I am so thankful that God has allowed this friendship between us. Because only He can guide us along the journey, and only he can give us the people to walk that journey with. And I walk with Jorge through his spiritual journey, and I know he’s right there with me.

My verse resounds in my head this morning. The verse that God created, specifically for me. At least I feel it is. The verse is Psalm 62:2. “He alone is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.” That’s how I feel about my God. And that feeling will never change. I’m on fire for Jesus. I’m on fire for God. It feels great. Absolutely great.

So. It’s been exactly three weeks since I spoke a word to Joeseph Anethony Belleouseke. It feels incredible. I mean I do miss that connection between us, but I don’t miss the relationship at all. He was in a sense one of the biggest influence of my life. He still is, who am I kidding? But he’s no longer a burden. I don’t have to take hours a day to maintain a relationship with him. As much as I’d like to, I don’t have to and it feels wonderful. I think I’ll start talking to him soon, just because while he was a part of my life, he was a huge part and I miss that daily interaction. Actually I just miss any interaction. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Very, very, very mysterious ways. I think Joeseph was what I’m supposed to look for in a person, but he isn’t the person I was destined to meet and spend the rest of my life with. And that excites me for the future. Joeseph is a great, great guy, and if I end up with a guy anything like him, I will once again receive God’s gift of joy.

That’s all for now. But yeah. God is King. Never forget that.

A little insomnia never hurt anyone... did it?

2006-04-01T11:10:27Z

Anywho. I'm tired. I can't get sleep. It could be this mysterious canker sore that decided to be painful but you work through it right? Right! Haha.

<3 Ya'll

A little more relax...

2006-03-23T05:42:24Z

So. Here I am sitting in a coffee shop. My usual coffee shop actually. On Kelsey Creek. It’s just off of 148th. Well, anyways, I just finished winter quarter with flying colors. I am so proud of myself for making it two full quarters in college. School has never really been a friend of mine but music is my life and without it I would probably perish to the underbelly of the world. It is my life and it is my passion second only to Jesus Christ and his Father. Two older ladies are at the table in front of me whimsically going back to their pasts. It makes me smile, because not only are they remembering memories, their making a new one at the very same time. Memory. What a wonderful word. Containing any and every emotion possible. From anger at a mother to love for a sparrow, it is all there. My anger at my mother currently non existent. We are getting along almost flawlessly right now and that makes me a very happy person. My love for the sparrow is unconditional. It always will be unconditional. For he satisfies me beyond anything I’ve ever known. I will always keep my eye on the Sparrow. So my beautiful symphonic choir had a concert on Saturday that was glorious. We performed so well. And I’m listening to the CD that Ken made of it for us. That was so awesome of him. He’s a pretty awesome guy. Well, the entire choir just went flat. It’s really cool being able to pick that out. Our blend across the choir is amazing. Which is surprising because on the stage it sounded like the basses and altos were overpowering. Anyways, the concert was a success and we had a total of 450 people there. Awesome. Oh, and did I mention that we had a full orchestra accompany us. It was truly the best concert experience of my life. It even beats Vancouver my sophomore year. So I have the best friends in the entire world. They don’t know it, but I do. I’m just finding a group that I think is going to be my group of friends for life. They are just truly beyond words. I’m meeting so many new people these days and it’s one of my very favorite things to do, so I’m thankful for this opportunity at college. I’ve met so many individuals. Sadly, that means I haven’t been able to keep in touch with my old friends. There’s a few I want to get back in touch with, but for the most part, I think I’m fine with not keeping in touch with most of them. I mean I do miss their company, but they aren’t as important in my life as they used to be. I will try and keep in touch I suppose. I mean they miss me as much as I miss them. I know that this is skipping around quite a bit, but that is my style so don’t dock me points for it. Thanks. I’m also switching my principle instrument from the trumpet to vocals. I may actually be getting lessons because I was told I have potential. And I really want to know my voice. Just because it is so very vital in becoming a music major. I can much better relate to vocal voicing, not trumpet voicing. And there is a difference. I’m really excited for next quarter to start. Next quarter we get to do a Broadway review of Andrew Lloyd Webber. That should be absolutely thrilling. I love Broadway so you know I’m going to enjoy it. The smell of coffee is invading my senses. I absolutely love this smell. It relaxes me so quickly. I don’t even know why it has that affect on me. But it does. These two ladies in front of me are really having an animated conversation. Even though I don’t know what they’re talking about, I can tell that it’s something that makes them happy. The sopranos are way too out there in “Magnificat” by Schubert. Way too overpowering. It ended better than it started. Gratefully. So what is next? I’m really having trouble deciding if there’s any possibility of hooking up with one of the 5 guys, and shocker, and the one girl I’m interested in. There’s the male Barista here at Starbucks, there’s Ricky, there’s Zach, there’s Sam, there’s Jorge, and then there’s the female Barista here at Starbucks. Now I know it’s weird but I can’t help but be physically attracted to her. She’s perfect. Absolutely. They way she wears her khaki’s. They was she smiles. I want to get to know her, and not just know her. I want to make out with her. Several times. That’s probably wishful thinking because she’s probably not even attracted to me, and she’s also probably not even lesbian. But if she were and I knew for sure I’d probably advance on her. If I were lesbian that is. I am not. But I do have these little temptations. Yessah. The Rutter “Magnificat” is now playing. Why can we not get our cutoffs together? This is horrible. Our tempo control is horrible as well. It really carries through all 4 pieces we performed. It’s like we’re not confident at all when we clearly should be. It is pretty high quality music though. There are parts that sound exactly like the old recordings from the professionals. Gosh. I enjoyed performing this music a whole lot however. It was so much fun. Partially because this kind of classical music was foreign to me, and partially because I become super close to the great group of people I worked with. If I could I’d take this choir where ever I went because I get along with them all so well. There’s a really horrible cut-off. The orchestra sounds wonderful however. I love the strings. They are so beautiful. Anyways, I’ve clearly written a definite novel. So I’ll be back later with another entry. <3, Amanda

Situations are never alike.

2006-03-09T22:46:59Z

No matter just how crazy and similar they feel, they will never be alike. Sadly, I wish that they were the same.

So I'd know how to deal with this pain in my heart.

Oh well. Oh well.

Here I am...

2006-03-09T07:51:26Z

In a darkened room. Thinking about life and how I've seemingly let a lot of mine just slip away. Not down a suicidal path or what have you necessarily I just have not done alot in this world. I'd like to believe I have, but the reality is this. I haven't. I haven't done so much, I haven't seen so much, I haven't read so much. There's just so many things I haven't done. And I want to do them. I want to change them to haves. Life, or whatever this is that I'm living is quite an intense little thing. I only hope that at some point life will be easy for me to live.

<3.